Thursday, February 28, 2008

A Proposed Unified Theory of the New ... What?

I told my twin sister today that a friend of mine is turning forty.

"He doesn't look forty," she said.

"Well," I said, "forty is the new thirty."

But it can't be, we decided, because we're almost thirty. Perhaps forty is the new thirty-five, or maybe thirty-three. We settled on thirty-three, and decided that thirty might be the new twenty-five. These days, many of us twenty-somethings don't even graduate college until our mid-twenties.

Still I wondered, are these "new" ages proportionate to each other? Furthermore, there needs to be a lower limit to the “new” age -- twenty-one is still twenty-one after all, and it's not very healthy for any adult to want to be younger than that. So, I am proposing the following formula to straighten all this out.

If x is the new y, then x * (5/6) = y, for values of x greater than or equal to 25.

Thus, thirty is the new twenty-five, forty is the new thirty-three, and fifty is the new forty-two. Even twenty-five becomes the new twenty-one using this simple formula.

For values of x less than 25, x = y. It kind of makes sense, because you feel happy about getting older until you hit twenty-five, then you start to regress.

For larger values of x, I am going to stick with the 5/6 factor, even though it might fall apart above 100. If you make it to 110, you deserve to call it the new ninety-two.

In case you're wondering, I really don’t have this much time on my hands. Only a lack of sanity and a keyboard.

Update to add, apologetically: Somehow I decided that it would be a good idea to make a chart.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's/V Day

In honor of this ridiculous, romantic, made-up holiday, I have made up a ridiculous story of romance, told in a series ridiculous haiku.

A pink rubber room
that his people built for him
was his claim to fame

She had been betrayed
and needed to punch the walls.
She was seeing red.

When they met, they knew.
It was a rose-colored fate
that turned black and blue.

Also, happy V Day. It is the 10-year anniversary of the event to promote ending violence against women, and they have devised a pretty awesome logo, which looks something like this: VDAY 1({}).

And, on the subject of logos, Google has a super cute Valentine's-themed one today: