Bad Nanobot

On Hiatus

2011-10-23T12:42:00.003-04:00

Haiku hiatus
shortens to haiku-atus.
The haiku ate us.

Yes, it's been a while. This blog is on hiatus. I have a lot of offline projects keeping me busy. In the meantime, please enjoy the archive of illustrated haiku and the other fun things on this blog. I'll let you know what I'm up to when my new projects are ready to launch.

Thanks for coming by!

A Sticky Sweet Season

2011-04-12T17:09:00.007-04:00

Spring used to be my favorite season. Lately, not so much. Haiku by me. The image is two photos by Eric that I photoshopped together.

A FEW NEWS ITEMS:

A story I wrote was published on McSweeney's last week. You can check it out here.
I am sporadically posting overanalytical reviews of things on my Tumblr.
I am writing a script for Script Frenzy. My progress is so bad I'll skip linking to my profile.
I might have hit a wall with the haiku-ing. The format here may change.

Possibly related haiku:
A Beer Time of Year
Reengineered
A Mysterious Fellow

April / So Funny!

2011-04-01T13:49:00.009-04:00

This is one of the three types of April Fool's gags that exist. The others are (2) Give someone something they don't want and make them keep it, and (3) Be zany. Variations and combinations of these gags are also performed.

Haiku by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
On Produce Parole
Reengineered
A Comfortable Life

Namesakes

2010-11-23T22:43:00.004-05:00

Haiku by me, photo by Eric. The cat pictured is Bitey.

Possibly related haiku:
Every Word Counts
In Retrospect...
Banana Haiku

Lingering Warmth

2010-11-16T20:25:00.005-05:00

This haiku is a true story from a camping trip on the Appalachian Trail last November. The above image is a photograph of the sunset by Eric. The below is a screenprinted reconstruction of it that we collaborated on.

The screenprint is available on a t-shirt at Ten East Read! Why not check it out?

Possibly related haiku:
Cave Dwelling
What happens in the woods...
It's Unreal

Dinorama

2010-11-09T16:21:00.004-05:00

It's my birthday! I made a dinosaur out of pipe cleaners. I found this surprisingly cathartic.

Possibly related haiku:
It's Always Something
Best Belt-Buckle Ever

Every Word Counts

2010-11-02T12:29:00.004-04:00

It's November, so here is another NaNoWriMo-inspired haiku. It is 14 words long, plus a thousand for the picture... If only I could get Word to do the math right!

Words by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
Photo inflation
What can I say?
NaNo Haiku

Dreaming Big

2010-10-26T14:18:00.005-04:00

Why? Because narwhals are awesome.

This haiku was inspired by a discussion with Eric about winning the lottery. Written and doodled by me.

UPDATE TO ADD:

I forgot to mention that the "Solstice is Wiccan Awesome!" shirt, which is based on this illustrated haiku, is now available at the Ten East Read store. Check it out for awesomeness!

Possibly related haiku:
In Retrospect...
It's Unreal
Resolutions Inventory

Abominably

2010-10-19T20:58:00.007-04:00

This haiku was inspired by thoughts on yeti. I always feel sorry for yeti when they're called abominable snowmen -- I'm sure they can't be all that bad.

I drew this by hand and colored it in photoshop. Maybe someday I'll get better at that...

Possibly related haiku:
It's Always Something
Hazards of Snowfall

Badass Haiku - Revisited

2010-10-12T21:54:00.006-04:00

I am revisiting this unillustrated haiku because I've been sick all week. Fortunately, Christiann showed me Photogene, this awesome iPhone app yesterday. So, I create this image from my sickbed using her guidance, my iPhone and my gnome collection.

The gnome is becoming a recurring character in my writing-themed haiku.

Possibly related haiku:
I hate to break this to you, but...
Marginal Success
Evil Plotting

Truly the Best

2010-10-05T15:09:00.004-04:00

I wrote this haiku after overhearing some kids at a pumpkin patch the other day. Kids say the best things.

Words by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
Haiku for an Unfinished Jack-O-Lantern

A Beer Time of Year

2010-09-28T19:47:00.004-04:00

This haiku was inspired by my current favorite beer, Sierra Nevada Tumbler, an autumn ale. If not for the promise of the winter beers, I'd be a little sad that fall was ending.

It appears that drawing passed out people is becoming one of my new pastimes.

Possibly related haiku:
Solstice Party!
Hazards of Snowfall
Typical Saturday

A Quick Moral Code

2010-09-21T12:25:00.004-04:00

Evidently, the internet is making us all impatient. Hopefully these haiku are sufficiently pithy. Words by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
On Produce Parole
Reengineered
With Resolve

Cave Dwelling

2010-09-14T12:52:00.005-04:00

This haiku was inspired by thoughts on cave life. I guessed on the temperature, but the cave in question is in Virginia, where cave temperatures are often around fifty-five degrees Fahrenheit.

Photo by Eric, words by me.

Possibly related haiku:
In Retrospect...
A Comfortable Life
Photo inflation

What happens in the woods...

2010-09-07T19:19:00.001-04:00

This haiku was inspired by an awesome weekend of backpacking in Grayson Highlands, Virginia. The photo is of the view from our tent one morning, which shows what our friend described as a "river of clouds." In the daylight, the highlands are overrun by wild ponies. At night, the coyotes come out...

Words by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
In Retrospect...
Morning Terrors
It's Unreal

Meet Pukey and Bitey!

2010-09-02T20:19:00.005-04:00

NEW THING! This is the beginning of a quasi-fictional, multimedia story about the two cats we recently adopted. We were wondering why they don't seem to know their names -- above is the prevailing theory of what happened before we met them.

Edit to add: Please know that we love the cats, flaws and all!

Self-Defense

2010-08-31T12:23:00.004-04:00

This haiku is about living in bubbles, and how that can be a dangerous thing. Bubbles can pop!

I drew this with colored pencils in a tremendous feat of multitasking.

Possibly related haiku:
A Comfortable Life
It's Always Something
On Produce Parole

Ohverkill

2010-08-24T12:54:00.003-04:00

This was inspired by a road trip on which we made too many puns. Haiku by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
Marginal Success
Solstice Party!
A Comfortable Life

On Produce Parole

2010-08-17T21:25:00.003-04:00

This haiku is dedicated to a very nice woman who cuts a mean peach. Words by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
A Mysterious Fellow
The Best Quotes
Banana Haiku

Gotta Clean Up These Streets

2010-08-10T18:40:00.001-04:00

This haiku was inspired by a conversation about hobos on bicycles. Words and doodle by me.

Possibly related haiku:
Marginal Success
Typical Saturday
A Night in Dingle

ALSO: I was one of the runners up in Gama-Go's haiku contest. In my haiku, I meld five of their characters and an elementary school song into seventeen syllables, and my byline is spelled rather incorrectly.

AND: I remixed a Garfield comic into haiku format for Square Root of Minus Garfield. The results were posted yesterday, along with my fantastical explanation of its artistic merit. Check it out!

NOT TO MENTION: On Sunday, I went to the Philly Alt-Comic Con with Sticky Comics. We met tons of awesome people, bought cool swag and sold stuff from Ten East Read. Excellent times were had.

AND ALSO: Eric and I designed a new shirt, the Birthday Awesome shirt. It's ideal for every day and for special occasions, too. Get 'em at Ten East Read!

Small Struggles

2010-08-03T15:46:00.001-04:00

I sketched the illustration for this haiku very literally while in the waiting room at the dentist's office. It is dedicated to a delightful nap I once took.

Possibly related haiku:
The Best Quotes
Love / Security
Morning Terrors

ALSO: I did a guest comic for Sticky Comics last week. Check it out if you're interested in some non-poetic silliness.

Reengineered

2010-07-27T09:01:00.000-04:00

This haiku was inspired by ever-encroaching future. Words by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
It's Unreal
Resolutions Inventory
With Resolve

It's Always Something

2010-07-20T12:55:00.000-04:00

This was inspired by a suggestion from Christiann that I write a haiku about dragons. And two weeks ago I mentioned that I should draw some cephalopods, so ... perfect timing, no? The art and haiku are by me. I take no credit for the impending doom.

NEW THING! You can now get stuff designed by Bad Nanobot at the Ten East Read store. Whoo!

Possibly related haiku:
When Everything is Better With Zombies
Not Quite Drosophilia
Best Belt-Buckle Ever

Marginal Success

2010-07-13T11:18:00.005-04:00

Inspired by thoughts on coloring books. Photo (taken outside a French clothing store) by Eric, haiku by me.

Possibly related haiku:
I hate to break this to you, but...
Evil Plotting
Word Nerdery

Too Much of a Bad Thing

2010-07-06T22:29:00.004-04:00

Lately I've found the imagery of the classic octopus cartoon depicting the Standard Oil Company particularly apt. I'll have to get better at drawing cephalopods. Swamp photo by Eric, haiku by me.

Possibly related haiku:
A Comfortable Life

Dream Steam

2010-06-29T05:01:00.006-04:00

I'm on vacation, so here is a haiku from my sketchbook. Inspired by thoughts on steampunk fashion and Victorian mustaches.

Possibly related haiku:
Hazards of Snowfall
It's Unreal
I hate to break this to you, but...

Note: Yes, I spelled monocle wrong... But I am on vacation!

Guest Haiku: Strawberry Tats!

2010-06-22T06:34:00.001-04:00

This is a special guest haiku by my lovely and talented roommate. Inspired by further discussions on strawberries with mustaches ... and other random appendages.

Possibly related haiku:
Smile Tats
The Best Quotes
Typical Saturday

Love / Security

2010-06-15T00:59:00.002-04:00

This haiku was inspired by continued discussions on home safety. Words by me, Photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
A Comfortable Life
-Ly Is The New Exclamation Point
Evil Chirp-Bots

A Mysterious Fellow

2010-06-08T11:09:00.007-04:00

This haiku was inspired by a conversation about the many ways one can consume spiced rum. Words by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
A Comfortable Life

In Retrospect...

2010-06-01T14:02:00.005-04:00

Good thing we left Plan B on the chalkboard... Haiku by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
Resolutions Inventory
Typical Saturday

Where are we?

2010-05-25T12:17:00.000-04:00

This little ditty was inspired by a conversation about satellites, helicopters and Cartesian coordinates. Haiku by me, map photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
Word Nerdery

The Best Quotes

2010-05-18T15:54:00.006-04:00

This haiku is dedicated to a friend. You know who you are.

Words by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
A Comfortable Life
Evil Plotting
Banana Haiku

Smile Tats

2010-05-11T10:59:00.006-04:00

This haiku was inspired by a conversation about a strawberry with a mustache wearing a sombrero. Words by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
A Comfortable Life
Typical Saturday
With Resolve (same photo session)

Sneeze Tease

2010-05-04T17:34:00.005-04:00

This haiku was inspired by the allergy season and a late-night Frosty run. Words by me, photo by Eric. If you're wondering about the statue in the photo, a description of the project can be found here.

Possibly related haiku:
It's Unreal
With Resolve

Bad Nanobot: Updated Tuesdays!

Solstice Party!

2010-04-27T10:10:00.004-04:00

This haiku is dedicated to solstice parties everywhere. The next solstice will be approximately June 21 -- I'll be at latitude 43.57°N, where the day will be about 15.5 hours long. How about you?

Words by me, photo by Eric.

UPDATE! You can now buy the t-shirt based on this illustrated haiku in the Ten East Read store! Solstice is Wiccan Awesome!

Possibly related haiku:
Typical Saturday
Photo inflation
Haikus Make Bad TV

Bad Nanobot: Now updated Tuesdays!

Morning Terrors

2010-04-20T15:31:00.004-04:00

This haiku was inspired by early mornings and comfy beds. Words by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
Signs of Impending Lunacy
A Night in Dingle
Evil Chirp-Bots

New thing: I am posting a new illustrated haiku every Tuesday. Other items may be posted in the interims.

A Comfortable Life

2010-04-13T22:00:00.006-04:00

This haiku was inspired by some hijinks involving me and a slippery staircase. Words by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
I hate to break this to you, but...
Evil Chirp-Bots
Haiku for an Unfinished Jack-O-Lantern

Update: I have built myself a haiku-buffer! This means I'm going to start updating every Tuesday now, until further notice. Yikes!

Hazards of Snowfall

2010-02-09T21:01:00.008-05:00

I dedicate this postulation to Snowpocalypse 2010. Photo by Eric, haiku and ninja by me.

Possibly related haiku:
When Everything is Better With Zombies
Evil Plotting
Sneaky 5-7-5

It's Unreal

2010-01-22T13:10:00.003-05:00

It's true -- I learned it on MTV. Haiku by me, photo by Eric.

Possibly related haiku:
Signs of Impending Lunacy
Nihilist Haiku Do Not Exist

Resolutions Inventory

2009-12-30T20:48:00.004-05:00

I am a sucker for a good resolution. I'm especially good at breaking them. Haiku and photo by me.

Related haiku:
With Resolve

-Ly Is The New Exclamation Point

2009-12-01T00:15:00.003-05:00

This is my postcard from Adverbia. Photo by Eric, haiku and font by me. (The font was made using YourFonts.com, which I totally recommend for easy, inexpensive handwriting fonts.)

As you may have observed, for the first time in three years, I did not win NaNoWriMo. I did, however, write about 25,000 words of fantastic prose (well, pretty good, at least) and edit two thirds of last year's NaNo novel. So, I think that's pretty awesome. I shall call this a success, even if it's not a victory.

A great bunch of my wonderful buddies also did NaNoWriMo this year, so here's a shout out to those who tried -- 'tis better to try and fail than to never have tried at all. And to those who won: You rock!

Novelling again

2009-11-20T18:51:00.000-05:00

I didn't tell you:
I'm doing NaNoWriMo
again this year. Whoo?

I am writing rather slowly and painstakingly this year. This might be because I'm also editing last year's novel. Have no fear, kids. These novels are gonna rock it.

In addition to my NaNoWriMo haikus, you may enjoy these writing-related haikus:
I hate to break this to you, but...
Evil Plotting
Badass Haiku

When Everything is Better With Zombies

2009-09-28T18:36:00.002-04:00

Haiku by me. Disgusting sandwich photographed and consumed by Eric.

Word Nerdery

2009-08-19T12:02:00.001-04:00

I guess "gawkish" is a little cuter, but similarly piteous. Haiku by me, photo by Eric.

I hate to break this to you, but...

2009-08-04T12:17:00.001-04:00

... something with which many of us need to come to terms. Haiku and photo by me. Gnomes by someone else.

You may enjoy this related haiku.

Signs of Impending Lunacy

2009-07-21T21:39:00.002-04:00

The haiku is a true story, which, I have determined, is not at all unsettling. The painting is my own, acrylic on wood, and was painted during a random holiday flower-pot-painting party with the family (which is a whole different story in itself).

Typical Saturday

2009-06-25T18:18:00.001-04:00

I have the greatest friends. Haiku by me, photo by Eric.

Not Quite Drosophilia

2009-06-24T22:26:00.001-04:00

Haiku and drawing by yours truly. After knocking out fruit flies with ether, they seem like they're at lightning speed when they wake up. But I guess that could just be the ether talking.

A Night in Dingle

2009-06-11T20:20:00.002-04:00

Haiku by me. Photography by Eric. About a rainy night in a hostel in Ireland's Dingle Peninsula.

Evil Plotting

2009-06-08T22:52:00.001-04:00

This evil plot was composed for photography purposes only, I swear.

With Resolve

2009-06-05T10:01:00.001-04:00

Extra special half-year resolutions are now on the menu. Haiku by me, photography by Eric.

email haiku

2009-06-01T17:45:00.001-04:00

It's hard to catch up after vacation.

Photo inflation

2009-05-28T22:46:00.001-04:00

Haiku and photo by yours truly. I doubt the photo is worth too many words.

Best Belt-Buckle Ever

2009-05-06T11:48:00.001-04:00

I made this hand-painted belt-buckle the other day, then wrote a haiku for it.

A robot riding
a dinosaur walking on
flames. Need I say more?

Evil Chirp-Bots

2009-05-03T21:09:00.001-04:00

I wrote this haiku as I tried to wrestle myself back to sleep the other morning (the birds were happily flirting out my window). The photo was taken by Eric last year. Enjoy!

Banana Haiku

2009-04-29T19:26:00.002-04:00

I wrote this haiku after reflecting, as Eric and I ate bananas in the kitchen while watching the rain out the window, that I felt like a monkey at the zoo. Then I remembered this print I made a while back (above is the artwork I used for the screen), and decided the two would go together perfectly.

Maybe I'll get the supplies out and make an analog version of this one day.

Nanobot xkcd shout-out

2009-04-27T00:23:00.000-04:00

Today's xkcd features fake swine flu twitter search results (see clip below) and has inspired the following haiku.

It All Ends in Doom
The future: Swine flu
plague is cured by nanobots.
Who then destroy Earth.

Evil Nanobot How-To Guide

2009-03-31T13:53:00.000-04:00

All humans beware:
Easy instructions for the
bot nanocalypse.

Nihilist Haiku Do Not Exist

2009-03-22T11:19:00.000-04:00

We Believe in Nothing
All I know about
Nihilism I learned from
The Big Lebowski

All the World's a Joke
A man walks into
a bar and orders a beer.
He's scorned for his choice.

Anticlimactic
When it's all over
you won't be alive to learn
that all is nothing.

Unshared Beauty
A lotus blossom
opens to the yellow moon.
It's all over now.

(Not) Serious
I am not really
a nihilist. But I do
like despair.com.

I recently got thinking about nihilism after watching the film Synecdoche, New York, which I found to be optimistically nihilistic. If that sounds like an oxymoron to you, I suggest checking it out.

Thoughts on Biobots

2009-02-27T15:23:00.000-05:00

As a brief digression from haiku, I wrote the following limerick to introduce some squarely on-theme endeavors.

I've lately been playing with paint
but can't seem to make a scene quaint.
I painted lots and lots
of evil nanobots
in the systems that they do taint.

	Biobots 2: Venous (acrylic on canvas)
	BrainBots (acrylic on canvas)

A New Era of Bots

2009-01-22T18:19:00.001-05:00

Barack Obama is our 44th president! In honor of this awesome occasion, I present the following painting and haiku:

Barackobot Liftoff
(acrylic on canvas)

See barackobots.com for more from the Barackobot collaboration.

A New Era of Responsibility
When Obama says
to be less of a slacker,
I want to listen.

Inspired by Barack Obama's inaugural address.

Brief Guidance on Doodling Nanobots

2008-12-02T20:27:00.002-05:00

Multiply the scale
several thousand times when
doodling nanobots

Win!

2008-12-01T15:06:00.000-05:00

I'm a NaNoWriMo winner! That means I wrote 50,000 words of a novel in November. It's looking like my novel will be more like 70,000 words though, so I'm still working on it. I surprised myself this year by writing a humorous urban fantasy. I meant to write a technological thriller. These things happen. I actually really like the book so far, and once I start editing (which I really, seriously intend to do this year. I fell out of love with my novel from last year's NaNo early in the editing process, which is why you haven't heard anything about it recently) I'll try to come up with a good excerpt to post here. In the meantime, thanks to all for the support and general lack of snickering at my exceedingly random ambitions.

What can I say?

2008-11-06T09:40:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am doing
NaNoWriMo yet again.
I am a sucker.

Haiku for an Unfinished Jack-O-Lantern

2008-10-28T14:27:00.003-04:00

We hollowed you out
But never gave you a face.
Scary mold did that.

My Meeting with God

2008-10-22T10:43:00.001-04:00

As I stood at the bus stop this morning, a man walked up to me. He stood too close. Instinctively, I stepped back a few inches.

"Listen," he said, "I am God. I am the Lord God Almighty. Everyone in my life has screwed me. They lie to me and steal from me. I never expected to end up here.

"Now, I left a bag over there," he continued.

A truck had just driven by and I wasn't sure I heard him right. Although this guy looked like he'd had a tough life, he was clean, middle-aged, and dressed in a sweater and shoulder bag as if for work.

"A what?" I asked. I wanted to get his whole story before I found out what he wanted.

He took a puff of his cigarette and looked at me with intense blue eyes. "A bag," he said.

I nodded.

"So," he told me, "I'm trying to get to the train. To the subway into the city and then maybe to New York."

I waited. I figured this was the part where he'd ask for money, but he didn't.

"Well," I said, "you can take this bus..." The 16Y was pulling up.

"It goes to the train station?"

"Yeah."

He nodded, picked up his coffee from the newspaper box next to him and walked away. When I turned around to look for him, he was gone. He never got on the bus.

A Proposed Unified Theory of the New ... What?

2008-02-28T21:52:00.000-05:00

I told my twin sister today that a friend of mine is turning forty.

"He doesn't look forty," she said.

"Well," I said, "forty is the new thirty."

But it can't be, we decided, because we're almost thirty. Perhaps forty is the new thirty-five, or maybe thirty-three. We settled on thirty-three, and decided that thirty might be the new twenty-five. These days, many of us twenty-somethings don't even graduate college until our mid-twenties.

Still I wondered, are these "new" ages proportionate to each other? Furthermore, there needs to be a lower limit to the “new” age -- twenty-one is still twenty-one after all, and it's not very healthy for any adult to want to be younger than that. So, I am proposing the following formula to straighten all this out.

If x is the new y, then x * (5/6) = y, for values of x greater than or equal to 25.

Thus, thirty is the new twenty-five, forty is the new thirty-three, and fifty is the new forty-two. Even twenty-five becomes the new twenty-one using this simple formula.

For values of x less than 25, x = y. It kind of makes sense, because you feel happy about getting older until you hit twenty-five, then you start to regress.

For larger values of x, I am going to stick with the 5/6 factor, even though it might fall apart above 100. If you make it to 110, you deserve to call it the new ninety-two.

In case you're wondering, I really don’t have this much time on my hands. Only a lack of sanity and a keyboard.

Update to add, apologetically: Somehow I decided that it would be a good idea to make a chart.

Happy Valentine's/V Day

2008-02-14T10:07:00.000-05:00

In honor of this ridiculous, romantic, made-up holiday, I have made up a ridiculous story of romance, told in a series ridiculous haiku.

A pink rubber room
that his people built for him
was his claim to fame
♥
She had been betrayed
and needed to punch the walls.
She was seeing red.
♥
When they met, they knew.
It was a rose-colored fate
that turned black and blue.
♥

Also, happy V Day. It is the 10-year anniversary of the event to promote ending violence against women, and they have devised a pretty awesome logo, which looks something like this: VDAY 1({}).

And, on the subject of logos, Google has a super cute Valentine's-themed one today:

Finished with NaNo, essays and Vegas (for now)

2007-12-15T10:04:00.001-05:00

I thought I'd post here that I am an official NaNoWriMo 2007 winner. Hooray! I should say, though, that it is really just Novel v1.0 right now. The experience has helped me to better understand the noveling process and I will definitely be adding to, revising and editing my novel, in the hopes that I will eventually come out of this with a finished product. There have been requests from some of my buddies for a plot summary, excerpt, first draft, etc. To you lovely people I say, thank you for your support and your willingness to humor me. I'll post a plot summary and/or excerpt here one day. As far as a first draft is concerned, I'm not the type to present an unfinished product to anyone, even if it is just an unfinished first draft. By that I mean that there are glaring things that I know need to be edited. I would prefer to fix these things before presenting it to someone, so that any feedback I may receive is more constructive than a discussion of the obvious flaws. But again, to those who offered, thank you for your willingness to read your reality-challenged friend's unpublished manuscript. It's absolutely wonderful to have such generous friends.

I'm also done with two personal essays that I wrote this semester for a writing class. I truly enjoyed learning more about the process of writing creative nonfiction, and I'm pretty happy with what I produced thanks to the guidance and feedback from my talented professor and classmates. I think they will need one or two more polishes, and then I am going to submit at least one of them to a few places to see what I can get published. Because hey, why not?

And Vegas... You were fun. There's nothing I like better than spending time off with fun people, especially with fun places to spend it. But really, you are in the middle of the desert. Your whole personality is indulgent, unsustainable and materialistic. Although I can handle you for two, maybe three days at a time, you engaged me for too long this time and I've had enough. We need a break. Maybe the time will be right for us in another few years; it's not just you, it's me. I'd wish you the best of luck, but I guess the odds are always stacked in your favor anyway.

NaNo Haiku

2007-11-27T11:05:00.000-05:00

I've been focusing on a different NaNo all month. Since procrastination is key to accomplishment, I wrote a haiku about it for this nano.

NaNoWriMo is
destroying my November.
And this is ten words.

Okay, it's not that bad -- I am behind but catching up. Here is my word count widget (better late than never, right?), in case you're interested in tracking my progress:

See ya next month!

NaNoWriMo

2007-10-29T09:40:00.000-04:00

So, November is National Novel Writing Month, and I went ahead and signed up. The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel, from scratch, in November. While I already have a few unfinished novels, I decided that maybe I should just go ahead and write a third, finished, starter novel. The whole idea behind the project is to just do it, and getting things done is one of my weaker points. So, I am going to write a novel from scratch this November.

As I understand it, you're not allowed to put pen to paper (or, it follows, fingers to keyboard) before 12:01 AM on November 1, but I am thinking that my novel will tell the tale of a megalomaniac molecular biologist. Hopefully it will be AWESOME! but I will settle for COMPLETE. Rock on.

Hi, koo.

2007-10-25T09:59:00.000-04:00

I am not committing to writing a haiku every day anymore (see evidence below...) but, just for fun, here are two that I composed this morning.

Wrong Haiku

The right seventeen
syllables eluded me.
Please accept these ones.

A Haiku in an Orange Jacket

In my orange trenchcoat,
I feel like a traffic cone.
Cars, get out my way!!

18. "Last" Haiku

2007-08-27T10:28:00.000-04:00

A haiku about
another haiku alludes
to this last haiku

That's it. Until I write more haikus (or publish those that have been deemed to be unpublishable), there will be no more daily haiku. If you want more, let me know! I work best under pressure... ;-)

(#18 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

17. Badass Haiku

2007-08-26T12:42:00.000-04:00

I wrote a story
once, in good fun, just to watch
a character die

(#17 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

16. Lonely Haiku

2007-08-25T23:25:00.000-04:00

One lone tumbleweed
Drifting across nothingness
All alone and bare

I wrote this one in Junior High School!

(#16 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

15. Haikus Make Bad TV

2007-08-24T10:23:00.000-04:00

My life could be a
Reality TV show
About shoes and booze

(#15 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

14. Waffle Haiku

2007-08-23T10:22:00.000-04:00

I had been taking
A waffle sabbatical.
Came back for whipped cream

(#14 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

13. This Haiku Belongs on a T-Shirt

2007-08-22T10:20:00.000-04:00

Haikus are quite short
Definitely not too long
To put on t-shirts

(#13 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

12. Caution: Keep this haiku away from open flames

2007-08-21T10:18:00.000-04:00

Polyester's back
Wrinkle-free pseudo-vintage
But still flammable!

(#12 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

11. Colorful Haiku

2007-08-20T10:17:00.000-04:00

Orange is freaking rad
It goes with black, red, blue, pink
Rocks with all styles

(#11 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

10. Happy to Haiku

2007-08-19T15:15:00.000-04:00

They say the word “cool”
Never goes out of style
What about “happy”?

(#10 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

9. Breakfast Haiku

2007-08-18T15:14:00.000-04:00

My mom was in town
I took her out for breakfast
Waffles and OJ

(#9 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

8. Old Skool Haiku

2007-08-17T17:13:00.000-04:00

I don’t play XBOX
I only play NES
All downhill from there

(#8 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

7. Forgotten Haiku

2007-08-16T10:38:00.000-04:00

Thinking in haiku
Can be a beautiful thing
If you have a pen

(#7 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

6. emo haiku

2007-08-15T10:00:00.000-04:00

I hang out at bars
Drink PBR for a buck
Stylishly depressed

(#6 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

5. Haiku Lite

2007-08-14T10:30:00.000-04:00

This is my diet:
Wake up, coffee, juice, bagel;
Night, burrito, beer

(#5 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

4. Sneaky 5-7-5

2007-08-13T14:58:00.000-04:00

If you’re reading this
You might not have realized yet
That it’s a haiku

(#4 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

3. This Haiku Has Growing Pains

2007-08-12T14:04:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid
I thought 25 was old
I am still that kid

(#3 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

2. Sad Haiku

2007-08-11T15:02:00.000-04:00

I wished it was mine
Sweet old red motor scooter
Paid the rent instead

(#2 in the 5-7-5 Alive project.)

As I continue to post my haikus, I'll note that they will likely disappoint any haiku purists. My haikus are more like tiny, prescribed pieces of prose rather than those which fit within the ancient artform. That said, I am still having fun sticking with the American haiku convention, where it's all about the 5-7-5 and the plural of "haiku" is "haikus". Haiku purists, please forgive me.

5-7-5 Alive

2007-08-10T14:49:00.000-04:00

I went through a phase about a year back where I would write a lot of haikus. I still love writing haikus, but lately I've been several syllables over. I figured I'd post one haiku from my collection every day or so until I a) run out, b) change my mind, c) forget my plan, or d) am forced to stop by a parade of rabid baboon-giraffe hybrids. You know, whatever happens first. In attempt to avoid my continued regurgitation of excess syllables, I present the first of my collection:

1. 50-50 Haiku

Half empty half full
This boy is the saddest boy
At happy hour

(Click here to view all haikus in this series.)

The "Instant Watch" Feature on Netflix: Surprisingly Rewarding!

2007-06-30T02:40:00.001-04:00

Tonight was a stay-at-home Friday night. It was a long week, and, although there was a good show that I could have attended just down the street, I was still nursing my hangover from last night's "have fun in Ecuador tracking Andean bears" farewell party (not for me of course. I will be nowhere near Ecuador or any Andean bears this summer. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just a logistical thing, i.e. you can do anything, but not everything. I digress. My point here is about movies. Not bears).

So, after watching the one DVD in my possession that I had rented from Netflix, I remembered a commercial I saw this week. It said that you can watch streaming movies online through Netflix. I was up for another movie. Not Friday night channel surfing. Not any more blogging (until now of course). A movie. And I figured, I already have a Netflix account, how much could a streaming movie cost? As it turns out, streaming movies now come free with a Netflix account. For each dollar you pay monthly to Netflix, you get one hour of free streaming video. For example, I get 18 hours because I shell out $17.99 monthly.

Although the selection isn't great -- I liken it to rooting through the bargain DVD bin at Target -- the movies are free, and better than what you would find on cable on an average night. I ended up watching The Core, which is about how Hilliary Swank and some generic scientists and astronauts will save the planet if the core of the Earth ceases to spin. It's a movie that I never would have rented, but one that I thoroughly enjoyed. And there seemed to be something for anyone who is on a late-night movie hunt.

After a one-minute installation of the Netflix plugin, I was watching the movie stream seamlessly on my laptop. At home, I use cable internet over a wireless internet connection. When I watched TV shows over streaming internet through this connection in the past (fueling my Heroes addiction this spring), I often had breaks in the connection for buffering, even if I plugged in directly to the router. I had none of these problems with Netflix -- it was just like watching a DVD!

Overall, I give Netflix's instant watch feature four and a half out of five, losing one point only because of the second rate selection of videos to watch, and adding half a point back because I'm still baffled that it's free. Good job, Netflix!

If you're a Netflix user, simply click the "Watch Now" tab once you're logged in to your Netflix account. You get 1 hour of free watching per $1 you pay to Netflix per month. Unfortunately, the service seems to require that you use Windows. I am currently unclear whether this feature is available for non-Netflix users.

On yr interwebz, suckin up yr bndwthz

2007-05-25T17:07:00.000-04:00

In case you haven't seen this yet, here is an awesomely mind-numbing thread on presidents from FARK.com.

The Green Groovster

2007-04-26T20:15:00.000-04:00

My new action hero (created at HeroMachine 2.0). She uses photosynthesis to power her rocket jet wings and lightning bolt hair. Weapons? She doesn't need weapons. She can zap you with photons at the flap of an eyelash, or oxidize you to ashes with one little breath.

Awesome Dream I Had Last Night

2007-03-30T17:59:00.000-04:00

I know blogging about dreams is pretty lame ... But I felt that this read like short fiction, so I thought I'd be lame anyway. Enjoy!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I was living in what seemed to be my current apartment, but which uncharacteristically had a rooftop deck with a pool and jacuzzi. When I went up there to check it out, and all of my friends were. It was my surprise party - for no reason in particular, but it was great.

Soon after, a man raced across the roof. Sensing that he was after me, I ran from him. The chase ended on a small terrace at the corner of a roof. The man stopped, holding out a book-sized electronic device with colorful LCD panels and flashing buttons. The man was Sean Connery.

"Tell me how to work this thing," he demanded.

I looked at the device. Instantly I knew how it navigate its menus, and instructed Mr. Connery to "Hit YES, now NO, press the red button, now enter a code, hit ENTER and press NO."

The words "BIOLOGICAL WEAPON RELEASE TERMINATED" flashed in bright letters on the screen. We looked at each other, victorious.

"You've just won the American Express Challenge," he said.

I turned around to see a small camera crew behind us. I wasn't surprised, because I had known all along that it couldn't have been a real emergency if Sean Connery was involved. It seemed that this was some sort of guerilla marketing campaign where scenes from movies were reenacted and made into reality TV style commericals. "It's my surprise party, you know," I told Mr. Connery.

We went back to my friends in the jacuzzi. "Look, it's Sean Connery," I told them, "and I've just won the American Express Challenge!"

Everyone was all "Wow!" and "Sean Connery!" and "What did you win?" I got into the jacuzzi, completely fulfilled.

Then I woke up. But life is still good, Sean Connery or not.

A napkin, a dull pencil and a lemon, please. And fast.

2007-03-25T14:24:00.000-04:00

If you're into short short stories (or if you don't like reading fiction because it's too long) you'll enjoy Esquire's Napkin Fiction Project. The magazine mailed plain white cocktail napkins to 250 authors around the country and published the results online. While I haven't read them all, one of my favorites is The Holdup by Andrew Sean Greer, which is pasted below.

The cold pressure you feel under the table is a gun. A real gun. I am a desperate man. I am a novelist. Don't look at me, just keep on drinking. Now what I want you to do--slowly, no sudden moves--is tell me a story. A true story, make it good. Maybe you woke up last week to a black sky and thought the world was ending. Maybe you called your girlfriend and said, I'm sorry about everything, and she said, Why? And you said, The world is ending, and she said, You idiot it's 3 in the morning. But thanks. I'm sorry too. And you know what? Let's get in my car and get out of here, I mean drive off and not look back. What about our friends, you ask. Screw them. I can't, you say, the world's not really ending. Well I am, she says, and that is how you lost her. Maybe a story like that. And when you're done, I want you to walk away. No funny stuff. Just walk away like nothing ever happened. Sit back and think. Order us both another Manhattan.
- "The Holdup" by Andrew Sean Greer

I probably like it because it's about writer's block. My most recent musings on writers block can be found here (see second paragraph).

I also enjoyed Sarah II by J.M. Tyree, which is, as they say in Internetland, LOL funny... And an untitled piece by Aimee Bender, which captured the spirit of the project with creative deadpan... And others. Perfect for a Sunday afternoon of procrastination.

There's Nothing Quite Like a Parade in Baltimore

2007-03-22T21:27:00.009-04:00

The St. Paddy's Day Parade in Baltimore is pretty much always on the Sunday before St. Paddy's Day. The parade is basically a jumble of Baltimorian craziness and whatever Irish stuff the city can muster up.

For example, this year there were bagpipe players in their fully kilted glory, followed by two New Orleans style marching bands.

One thing to always remember about parades in Baltimore is that, during any parade or city-commissioned event, whether it's the lighting of the Baltimore Washington Monument for the holiday season (the first Thursday of December) or an evening of jazz in the park (often in Mt. Vernon in summertime), alcoholic beverages are permitted -- and often for sale.

At least, this has been my experience. I might be wrong -- there might be some outdoor events that are booze-free -- but this has never applied to St. Patrick's Day. On the day of the St. Patrick's Day Parade, people arrive early and sit on their coolers to watch the madness go by. And if they don't, there are maddeningly busy places to buy beer on the street. This is a major difference between Baltimore and D.C., and one of the reasons why Baltimore is, in general, way more fun.

My absolute favorite part of the parade had nothing to do with Irish heritage, in fact. It was just the funniest, awesomest display of drunkenness in public that I can recall ever witnessing (at least in broad daylight). Here's what happened:

Seeing that the occasion was the Baltimore St. Patrick's Day Parade, Smoothie King decided that it would be appropriate to participate in the parade. (An obvious choice right?) So, Smoothie King had rented a stretched limo for the occasion, which was adorned with a Smoothie King banner, and followed by three dudes in Smoothie King outfits ("Smoothie Kings"), and a person in green who appeared to be a "handler" for the Smoothie Kings. I'll note that I was observing from the very front of the parade, where the participants needed to descend the rather steep hill from the Baltimore Washington Monument to continue down Charles Street. Well, at the very top of the hill, one of the Smoothie Kings stumbled and fell onto a garbage can on the side of the road, deflating his costume. It became apparent that all of the Smoothie Kings were drunk when another Smoothie King (who, I'm guessing, was either checking to see what happened to the fallen dude, laughing like a maniac at the fallen dude, or completely oblivious and equally drunk) fell down too. The third Smoothie King seemed to be stumbling, but steady. The handler, however, was also drunk and laughing so hard he could hardly manage to help the fallen, deflated Smoothie Kings back up.

It is at this moment in the story when the picture to your left was shot (click to enlarge). But the hilarity was seemingly ceaseless.

Before I continue, however, I must share a factoid that I only just learned this Halloween, so I'll assume it's not common knowledge. Inflatable costumes such as these Smoothie King ones (and the horse and rider costume my friend was wearing this Halloween) have a fan inside to keep them inflated. I suspect that this is the only thing that keeps them remotely wearable, and that this also makes them all the more impossible to wear.

So, as two of the Smoothie Kings had fallen, they had deflated their costumes. No problem though, right? Because the fans would re-inflate them in no time! But that appears to depend on how drunk you are. One of the Smoothie Kings began to recover. He looked a little melted for about half a block, but wobbled along as you'd expect a drunk Smoothie to wobble. The other seemed perplexed. He had unzipped his side zipper and couldn't seem to either walk straight, or figure out how to get back into the costume. The drunk handler wobbled alongside, attempting to help, but to no avail. Eventually, he tried to force the drunk Smoothie inside the limo, but I'm not sure whether he made it in. Maybe all three recovered, because, by the time I saw them at the bottom of the hill, they were wobbling merrily along, waving, stumbling, bumbling, and maybe even getting away with being drunk. Because, hey, it's St. Paddy's Day, after all. And you can drink on the streets in Baltimore.

(Disclaimer: This is my opinion of the events that occurred. I have no evidence that anyone was drunk, and I mean no harm to Smoothie King. In fact, I have a new found respect for Smoothie King for having to balls to get its Smoothies drunk before the parade.)

Although that was the high point in hilarity of the parade, the craziness continued. My friends and I made our way slowly through the crowd to what appeared to be the epicenter of the mayhem, Mick O'Sheas Pub. Not only was O'Sheas selling beer inside, where most of the tables had been removed to make room for the endless swarm of drinkers, but they had a stand outside where a man with a loud speaker was commentating on the parade. Behind him, they were selling beer in the alley, and where a whole row of Port-A-Johns was set up. We walked through the alley to cut back to a part of the parade that was slightly less chaotic, and encountered some guy relieving himself on the street, only yards from the Port-A-John. But then, it's St. Paddy's Day in Baltimore, and you can drink on the streets. So why not pee on them too?

Once we got back to the parade, armed with Guinnesses, a float came by which was designed to look like an Irish pub. And what was it called? SHERIDAN'S!! So, my friend made me hold his Guinness so I could go over to the float to have a picture taken with it. Did I mention that, in Baltimore, they don't put barricades on the street for parades?

So, I was standing by the float (which was stopped for a moment because, in Baltimore, they periodically let cars drive through the roads that intersect with the parade) with two Guinnesses to get a picture. Some guy who was with the float asked me what I was doing, and all I said was, "That's my name!" That seemed to be all he wanted, because he got out of the way and this picture was shot. Not the best shot, but well earned, I say.

Anyway, soon after that came the finale, which was about three step groups (nothing to do with Irish heritage, mind you, but talented and entertaining nonetheless).

What is the grand finale of a parade in Baltimore? The garbage trucks of course. They swarm through after the parade, causing the crowd to scatter, eliminating all traces of celebration. Suddenly you're left standing on the street in broad daylight holding a beer and wondering, "Is this still legal?" Not knowing, you gulp it down, toss it in the nearest garbage can (maybe even one that the Smoothie Kings had tripped over a mere hour before) and head out to get some pizza.

(Another disclaimer: I haven't been to that many parades that weren't in D.C. or Baltimore, so any comparisons I make are between those two cities. I truly have nothing against Baltimore. In fact, I almost like it more than D.C., although they both have their moments. This whole piece is merely my recollection of the events that occurred, and which I witnessed. And I had an AWESOME time at the parade!)

Great Poem I Heard on NPR Today

2007-03-01T20:37:00.000-05:00

Although I might be violating a copyright, I really liked this poem from today's "The Writer's Almanac", so I'm reprinting it here...

Poem: "A New Lifestyle" by James Tate from Memoir of the Hawk. © The Ecco Press. (buy now)

A New Lifestyle

People in this town drink too much
coffee. They're jumpy all the time. You
see them drinking out of their big plastic
mugs while they're driving. They cut in
front of you, they steal your parking places.
Teenagers in the cemeteries knocking over
tombstones are slurping café au lait.
Recycling men hanging onto their trucks are
sipping espresso. Dogcatchers running down
the street with their nets are savoring
their cups of mocha java. The holdup man
entering a convenience store first pours
himself a nice warm cup of coffee. Down
the funeral parlor driveway a boy on a
skateboard is spilling his. They're so
serious about their coffee, it's all they
can think about, nothing else matters.
Everyone's wide awake but looks incredibly
tired.

-James Tate, Memoir of the Hawk

Happy World Book Day!

2007-03-01T20:36:00.001-05:00

To commemorate the occasion, a "Top 10 Books The Nation Can't Live Without" list has been compiled. Tolkien and Harry Potter have beat the Bible. And I'm currently reading, and very much enjoying, the second half of #8.

The top ten are as follows:
1) Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen 20%
2) Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkein 17%
3) Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte 14%
4) Harry Potter books – J K Rowling 12%
5) To Kill A Mockingbird – Harper Lee 9.5%
6) The Bible 9%
7) Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte 8.5%
8) 1984 – George Orwell 6%
= His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman 6%
10) Great Expectations – Charles Dickens .55%
(From worldbookday.com)

Sunset from the Metro

2007-02-17T10:21:00.000-05:00

To follow up on last month's post "Sunrise from the Metro", I thought I'd share this pic I shot with my camera phone of the sunset from the blue line between King Street and Braddock Road. To the left, you can see the George Washington Masonic Memorial. And in the foreground, you can see the snowy and icy Metro tracks!

Don Julio 1942 at Guajillo

2007-01-15T16:55:00.000-05:00

If you're into good tequila like my friend Jim, I'd recommend trying Don Julio 1942. We tried it for the first time at Guajillo Grill Mexican Restaurant in Arlington. It's very tasty and smooth, but expensive. We also noticed that they carry El Jimador, which we'll buy for Jim next time we go.